I hate this

As long as I've been alive, I've NEVER thought that this would happen. EVER. I never thought that she would get so sick. Everyday, she smokes. Everyday, she drinks. Everyday. Sometimes I hate her for it. Today is definitely one of those days. I hate her for going out last night with her best friend, while my brother and I were home alone and she was supposed to be watching us. I hate her for wanting my brother to become like her. Completely infused in the drugs and alcohol that dictate her life. I hate her for expecting me to support her and try to be around her, even when she's using. I hate her for trying to get ME int drugs and alcohol. She's already planned out my 18th birthday. It involves drugs, alcohol, and a rave. I don't want that. At all. I hate that plan. It makes me sick. She wants to get me a pipe too. I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle this. Everything, when I'm around her, feels like it's falling a part around me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell someone. I don't know anything right now.

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my head on straight but it's getting really hard. She's so far from what we used to be. She used to be like my mom. Te one person who knew the REAL ME. The only one who could calm me down. The only one who knew what to do when I was reverting. The only one who knew that brushing my hair helped when I was cry as if the world was ending. The only one that I could go to for understanding. She knew everything and now, I talk to her about it all and she doesn't remember. She doesn't remember anything.

change

so lately things have been very dramatic. and they don't have to be.

i always seem to do this. something switches off in my head and there i am again, trying to make things bigger than they actually are. and then i get hurt and im standing there like "what just happened?"

so i need to work on that. and not going to men to get my "needs" met. that's another thing. i need to learn to go to other women. women that will listen to what i have to say. women who know themselves. women who will tell me when i need to get my head out of my butt and move on. women who will offer me kindness and love, and solutions. women like that. not men. they don't know where my head is. i say "just listen to me" and they think "fix it."

so with that, im gonna work on this. a lot. it's not gonna be easy. but im going to start.

first order of business is to find 2 to 3 women that are my go to's.

xoxo

-amanda