I hate this

As long as I've been alive, I've NEVER thought that this would happen. EVER. I never thought that she would get so sick. Everyday, she smokes. Everyday, she drinks. Everyday. Sometimes I hate her for it. Today is definitely one of those days. I hate her for going out last night with her best friend, while my brother and I were home alone and she was supposed to be watching us. I hate her for wanting my brother to become like her. Completely infused in the drugs and alcohol that dictate her life. I hate her for expecting me to support her and try to be around her, even when she's using. I hate her for trying to get ME int drugs and alcohol. She's already planned out my 18th birthday. It involves drugs, alcohol, and a rave. I don't want that. At all. I hate that plan. It makes me sick. She wants to get me a pipe too. I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle this. Everything, when I'm around her, feels like it's falling a part around me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell someone. I don't know anything right now.

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my head on straight but it's getting really hard. She's so far from what we used to be. She used to be like my mom. Te one person who knew the REAL ME. The only one who could calm me down. The only one who knew what to do when I was reverting. The only one who knew that brushing my hair helped when I was cry as if the world was ending. The only one that I could go to for understanding. She knew everything and now, I talk to her about it all and she doesn't remember. She doesn't remember anything.

change

so lately things have been very dramatic. and they don't have to be.

i always seem to do this. something switches off in my head and there i am again, trying to make things bigger than they actually are. and then i get hurt and im standing there like "what just happened?"

so i need to work on that. and not going to men to get my "needs" met. that's another thing. i need to learn to go to other women. women that will listen to what i have to say. women who know themselves. women who will tell me when i need to get my head out of my butt and move on. women who will offer me kindness and love, and solutions. women like that. not men. they don't know where my head is. i say "just listen to me" and they think "fix it."

so with that, im gonna work on this. a lot. it's not gonna be easy. but im going to start.

first order of business is to find 2 to 3 women that are my go to's.

xoxo

-amanda

Homework Anxiety

For the past four hours I have been on the computer reading blogs, stalking Facebook, and updating my Tumblr. But what I have not done is my homework. I've been avoiding. "Taking time for me." I've been putting it off and telling myself that since it's Thanksgiving, that it's perfectly fine that I do that. But I know what's really going on and why I'm really not doing my homework.

I'm undeniably overwhelmed. Every single assignment seems as if it could take the whole entire break to complete (there are only three and a half days left of break). I feel as if all of them are suffocating me and laughing at my incapability to complete all of them in the time allotted. I feel like a failure. Like someone that just stares at her work but never actually picks up the pencil. Someone overtaken by fear and anxiety. I know, I know. Just begin. Don't look at all the other assignments. just focus on one. But you have to understand... my brain takes in information constantly and can never seem to focus on any one thing. It's like I'm jacked up on five pots of coffee every time I do my homework and I'm jumping from assignment to assignment, subject to subject and that I can't stop.

I have been trying to slow down. Work through the fear. Attempt to breathe. But then it just pops right back up. Taking hold of my throat and choking me with an aggression that I've never known before. I've always had this same anxiety but it's always been ignored and pushed through. But this year, I can't push through the same way that I had before. Why? Because I honor my body and my feelings now. Before this year, I was someone who didn't care if she hadn't had any human contact for days on end. Who didn't care how tired or hungry she was. Who didn't care about the smoke that was coursing through her lungs from all of the cigarettes she smoked to keep the anxiety down. I just didn't care. At all.

But now that I'm not like that anymore. The anxiety is growing. The tension sets in. And I constantly feel as if I am going to explode with every new pressure that is added. The dishes need o be done. My room needs to be cleaned. The bathroom needs to be scrubbed. The laundry do and taken care of. Just toppling over each other. Pushing against my chest with a force unknown to man. Adding and adding. Until I crack.

I need to get it together though. It's my Junior year. I don't want to go back to the way I used to be but... it's tempting. It haunts me practically everyday. Like a Siren's call. But there's no way I'm going back to that. No way. I've come too far yto go back to that.

xoxo

-Amanda Marshall

mind dump: pre-organization

So I figured that I would just talk. No logic to the madness, just talk.

To start things off, I am 17 years old and am a Junior in high school. I am one of those artsy/nerdy students that you see reading in the library, writing poetry at Starbucks (or the local coffee shop), or sketching on a big rock in the park. No, I don't actually have time for these activities (although I would love to) because of my school hours (7:15 am to 4:30 pm). However, once I get to college, you bet your bottom I'll be doing these things anytime I can.

I have been thinking about college ever since I could remember. Constantly looking at different colleges and information booklets with my parents, not exactly knowing what I was actually getting myself into. Now, as a Junior at a college prep high school, I look back and see how naive I was to just think that I would just be handed a college admissions letter without strenuous work. Reflecting back, I now realize how vindictive and wrong shows like the "Gilmore Girls" were in my early years. Those dorms that you see on television are NOT real. They are about two times the size of a SUITE dorm! I am also finding that the college application process is a lot more than just writing essays and getting recommendations from your favorite teachers. There's studying for the SATs, filling out forms like the "Common Application Form," filling out financial aide, and of course essays and recommendations. Then there's the most important... the actual school. That's the hardest part. Right now I'm looking at NYU, Trinity, St. Edward's University, and UCLA. NYU being my dream school.

Then there's the career... also extremely hard to define into one field (if you're like me and know that you want to do something with the Arts but don't know exactly what tat will look like). This aspect of life usually changes 6 to 7 times so it's definitely more flexible than the school you attend (although you can, of course, transfer schools with a weighty amount of money). Right now, like i said, I want to do something in the Arts. Great... up and coming starving Artist. Awesome. Now what? Well, I don't exactly know. That's the scary part. Art is the only thing that truly wakes me up. Keeps me alive. Without art, I am not sure what I would do. I would probably go into Accounting or some other stable field and end up wanting to eat my hair or something. I would never be happy. Would never feel at home. But with art, I could care less about the money that I don't make or the clothes that I don't have. Coming from a family of people who have not gone to college (therefore knowing how to make do with little money) and those same people making their happiness priority, I know that I will be able to handle stretching my money and being happy and excited in an Art-type field for the rest of my life. To me, money (although essential in this day and age) is not everything. Happiness, true happiness, is. And since I don't feel that anywhere else, except for in the Arts, I know that I HAVE to be an Artist. Like Jennifer Malman (jenneyfer86- youtube account) said once, "If you absolutely can't do anything else other than be an Artist, be an Artist." Since being an Artist is all I can do, I'm going to be an Artist. It's not a choice for me. I just HAVE to.

Okay, so we've covered college and career. What next? Hmmmmm...

10 minutes later...

Oh! I've got something! Today, my school volunteered at the elementary school right next to our campus. Initial reaction, "Yay little kids are going to paint my hair all the pretty colors of the rainbow!" Post-volunteering, "They are so cute and sweet! They told me I am pretty JUST when I needed to hear it! They're amazing little beings!" Don't get me wrong, I love kids (babysit them all the time actually) but I was a little apprehensive and, admitably, intimidated. There were just so many kids and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle them all but I did. It was probably the best feeling, being around all the little ones, that I have had in a very long time. This one volunteer opportunity reminded me what my 5 year old self used to be like. That I actually was a child once. That I still am a child and need to be treated with love and care. Somewhere along the road, between society's expectations and my own mental state, I forgot that. I deserve to be loved and cared for. Not abused and thrown around like a rag doll.

Well, it's 10:00 pm (and apparently I am an old lady who can't be awake past 10:30 pm) so I am going to cut it off here but this was good. I got some stuff out and got to bask in my lesson for today. Job well done. Hope you all are doing well in your own different realms of the Earth and I will talk (type) to you soon.

xoxo

-Amanda Marshall

November 23, 2010 (9:00pm to 10:00 pm)